Grab A Cuppa

If you haven't tried Coffee #1 you're missing out, especially their caramel macchiato.

I'm thinking of turning this into a series of posts where I open up about thoughts and feelings I've been having. I've been wanting to be more open and honest on my blog for a while now, and even on Twitter I've been trying to talk about issues that are important to me.

I've had a post in my drafts for a while about Feeling Lost At 21, but it's more than just feeling lost.

I advise you to grab a cuppa with me while I talk through what's been playing on my mind. I will section up topics as best I can, so if you get bored you can skip to the next topic (how nice am I?).

Feeling like a failure

This is something that's rooted within me, I've always had high expectations of myself and I always want to please others, and if I don't...I have failed. If I forget something; I have failed. If I don't make a phone call or write an email; I have failed. If I can't meet with friends; I have failed. If I can't bear to go outside; I have failed.

I thought that I'd stopped doing this when I was receiving counselling for anxiety and depression. I've only recently realised that I'm still doing it. When I feel like I've failed I get so frustrated at myself, this then turns into a downward spiral fuelling my depressive side.

I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal that I can't reach, I expect so much of myself when I just can't and I make my mental health even worse.

My depression 

Recently I've started taking part in mental health chats on Twitter, and I love getting involved in lots of chats but especially talking about mental health. It makes you realise you're not alone, and I love to try and help others who are still struggling. Some of the first questions are usually about if you've been diagnosed with a mental illness. I usually reply that I have generalised anxiety disorder and that they also diagnosed me with depression. My thoughts on the latter are usually that I don't have it anymore, or it's not as bad, or it comes and goes like waves.

I've come to the conclusion that I think I've always had it. I do have short periods of my life in which I feel happy, but it never lasts long. I don't like to spend too much time alone because I don't like my own company, I often don't like myself at all. If I'm alone too much I do become depressed and helpless.

It doesn't help when you always feel worthless or like a failure on a day to day basis. I feel like if I don't talk about being depressed or even my anxiety people often forget I still have it. It doesn't go away, trust me I've tried fixing myself, or "curing" myself and there's no quick solution. It's frustrating that people don't take into account my mental health sometimes, I don't want to be treated differently or have special treatment. I just want people to remember that I'm not ok, and maybe just check in every once and a while and listen to me ramble over a cuppa.

When people ask me how I am, I reply "not too bad" but most times I want to say that I'm not ok. But, that's far too deep a conversation to get into when you pass someone in the hallway, on the street, at work or at the pub.

Why am I not ok?

Reasons why I'm not ok:

Stress, Anxiety, Depression, Loss, Self-hate, Weight, Uncertainty, Pressure, Money, Work

If you add all of that up I'm sure we can all agree it equals not being ok. With graduating on the horizon and my part time job isn't 100% stable at the moment I've got a lot of stressful thoughts roaming around my mind.

I've applied for a total of TWENTY JOBS so far and I've heard nothing back. I've tried re-working my CV but I'm not confident about it, I don't have enough "credits" for it to sell what I can do. I also can't drive yet and almost every single job requires you to drive, or be 23 or 25 for insurance purposes. It's really off putting that I can't apply for these jobs because I can't drive or I'm not based in London.

I don't often realise how stressed and anxious I am, I used to get physical symptoms; high heart rate, sickness, IBS/poorly tummy. I got better at coping with the physical symptoms but sometimes I can't control the invisible symptoms. These can be just my mood, how I talk to people, and lack of motivation to name a few.

It feels like there's so much to do it's unbearable, everything is out of my control or far ahead in front of me. This causes my anxiety to act up because I'm not in control of my future.

So what now?

Right now I'm trying not to give up hope. I'm looking forward to graduating, and it's been nice to not have that workload on my shoulders. But I'm still anxiously waiting to get my grades back. I'm trying to keep busy so that I don't work myself into a post-graduate depression, because that is a real thing that everyone experiences.

I want to focus on my blog, getting myself together and trying to enjoy life a bit more. I tend to hole myself up almost like a vampire that I forget how beautiful the sunset looks. And of course job hunting for a 'proper job' but I shouldn't get my hopes up. Plus my film is getting some finishing touches before releasing it into the wild world of film festivals.

I recently binge watched Girl Boss on Netflix and absolutely loved it, completely recommend if you haven't seen it yet!

Sorry for being a bit absent, I hope all of you are ok!

Love Saffron x